It doesn't matter if you're slow,
as long as you don't stop
as long as you don't stop
The day I wish for
Friday, October 18, 2013,
Bad tempered girl is me.Recently I can't seems to control my anger and my sadness well. I understand the logic behind "No one likes to be with an unhappy man" but it is really hard to get happy. I don't know how to save myself anymore. At some point, I even start to hate myself. I hate myself for not being perfect, hate myself for not being able to please everyone.
Yes, people do say this,"Those who love you for who you are will stay and those who don't will leave, so be yourself". I am being myself but I find myself changing everyday. I told myself that I have to change my bad attitude, my bad habits, my black face and etc. Sometimes I have reached a point whereby I started to question myself, what bad attitude I have? Do I show my bad habits outside? Has my black face offended anyone? Maybe I am just too engrossed in my work or maybe not smiling, is that wrong?
I believe changes are meant to make yourself and others happier but I am not happy at all. Some changes are totally against my principles, some changes make me hate myself even more. I was having a conversation with YK that day. He said this to me, "if you can't win, you will have to join".
Do I really have to act blur so to live better?
Do I really have to change so to make some people happy?
Do I really have to stay when I am suffering?
There are so many question marks in my head and the word "friend" became so contradicting because those that wants you to change were once your "good" friends. I am in fact a simple person, either you are my friend or you are not. If you are, I will love you and accept you for who you are and be proud of you even if you suck sometimes. If you are not, sorry, I wouldn't even care a bit for you because you are totally not worth my time and concern.
I don't categorize my friends, there is no such thing as close friends, good friends, best friend or ultimate friend. Friend is friend, friend is a person whom we have a bond of mutual affection with. Friend is friend, friend is not acquaintance. If you really want to talk about categorizing, I will at most upgrade you to family. I am that simple, that simple that no one believes.
I am really disappointed when someone I thought was a friend choose not to talk to me anymore. He rather talk to someone I dislike than to talk to me. I know I have no control over who you want to be friends with but don't ignore me just because you want to fight justice and rights for her. This is not fair when you didn't even once choose to listen to my side of story.
Jin once said this to me, "Everyone stands a level in everyone's heart. You might have placed him higher than where he has placed you. Don't be sad when you realize you don't worth a penny when he choose to abandon you". So what am I to you?
Do you love me as a friend or do you hate me? I don't want to lose you as a friend but am I still your friend? I don't want you to act friendly in front of me, I don't want people to tell me how much you dislike the way I do things and I don't want to get left out by you. I just want things to get back to those days when we can laugh and crap about everything and anything.
Is this going to happen? Or is it just my wishful thinking?