Many would be wondering why the fuck did I cry over photo taking. Why am I such an attention seeker or whatsoever. I don't really care about how people judge me anymore. I can't find a way to express myself and crying is the only way out for me to feel better. I'm not sure if anyone of you would read this but I hope this blog post can bring across how I feel.

The reason I cried ain't all about taking a photo. I cried was because I realised that none of you actually care about this friendship we are having. Don't bullshit with me about brotherhood. This is no brotherhood, this is plain hi-bye. To be honest, I hate it when I get information from juniors especially non-sailing related. What happened to we-share-everything-and know-everything?

I really hate year 3, how would I know that accepting that role would bring myself to such misery? Does anyone know that I have been waiting for handover to happen for very long? So that we can say goodbye and graduate together? I have no idea when I started to hate talking about club stuff with either one of you. Its damn burden and heavy.

Sailing, this is how we know each other. Sailing is part of our friendship but I am forced to remove it so that I can be happy. Why is this happening? Sometimes I wonder if it's all my fault that we stop meeting/chatting/skyping/playing and etc.

This is when the contradiction starts. I tried to avoid talking to anyone of you. I tried my best not to get angry so that I wouldn't pissed you guys off. I even have my girls group where I can bitch around but somehow you guys will be around. You guys are everywhere! Either a topic of our convo, dinner pals, getaway buddies or joke targets.

I don't know how to communicate with all of you anymore. I don't understand why I always ended up pleading and begging you guys for everything. I don't like to compare but I am forced to compare. Why you guys can simply say a "Yes/Okay/Let's go" to anyone but not to me? I always waited patiently for anyone of you to reply me but not once in this 3 years I've gotten an answer that I want, especially when all of you know what can makes me happy.

I don't mind all the teasing, joking and bullying. This is part of friends, which long lasting friendship has the factors in absence? I am willing to cry with you guys and suffer with all of you but why can't we share happiness together?

The young ones always tell me that you guys love me but I don't feel it at all. Sometimes I find myself really ridiculous. I dote and love everyone of you like my little brothers but all of you rather show your love and concern to all the young ones than showing it to me. Literally, all of you! Am I asking for a lot? I believe that I have a strong heart but even a heart that is made out of steel can break one day.

I am not saying that you guys can't make friends with them or take care of them more. I am happy that you guys are opening up and I love to see everyone laughing and enjoying themselves. Its great to see that there are more "groups" coming alive but its sad to see our own dying.

I am trying my best to forgive Royston because I know if I don't we will split. I always update Jin about what's going on so that he wouldn't feel left out. I irritate Nicholas so that he don't get weary with us. Disturbing Zachary is to make sure he talks more, smiles more and give more weird expressions. Eugene is one worrying kid because I always have to make sure he don't step onto any bombs by accident.

I don't dare to say that I put in all my heart and soul but at least I tried. WHY CAN'T YOU GUYS SHOW MORE EFFORT?! I can see the brotherhood when its comes to Thiamhock and Waiheng. Sometimes during training, sometimes when you guys are consulting each other about schoolwork. Sometimes when you guys talk about gadgets. Sometimes when all of you see girls.

What happened when the 6 of us come together? We are losing something that we used to have. Taking a photo is really a small matter but why do I always have to scold, shout and beg, WHY?! Its not that I spam shots, I only want one for each event. Is it that difficult?

Am I forcing the 6 of us together? Are you guys not happy with each other? Or are you guys not happy with me?